Often, well-meaning moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas try to be “perfect” caregivers for their little ones. They hold their babies close, shielding them from the dangers and threats of the big world. They protect them from bruises and scratches, stress and tension, influences and trends. They want to instill in their children all the best they know and can offer. They aim to teach them all the necessary skills that might come in handy in adulthood. They plan ahead, trying to prevent any potential issues.
However, these good intentions can lead to unexpected outcomes: the child, who is adored, pampered, and indulged, can become quite the opposite of what the parents envisioned. A healthy, well-fed, and cared-for child may appear joyless, smile infrequently, throw tantrums at the slightest provocation, and respond to toys, games, and people with more caution than curiosity, quickly losing interest in everything. In short, they can become capricious, unpredictable, and sometimes unbearable. Instead of the soaring kite that parents skillfully assemble at home, a little dragon appears in the house…
A Bit About Guidance and Misconceptions
Gone are the days when children were viewed as “blank slates” to be filled to the brim. It is now well understood that every child is born with a solid foundation of knowledge about the world and an innate desire to connect with others. Each newborn actively interacts with their surroundings, shaping their body and consciousness. What they need from their parents is a normal life: a home, a family, and people who understand and accept them. They require warmth, security, kindness, tenderness, and affection. A normal life also necessarily includes freedom—the ability to choose, to take initiative, to make decisions, and to be respected by others.
Thus, living normally for a child means feeling love and being able to love in return. It does not mean that parents should smother them with affection or spoil them instead of nurturing them.
How to Recognize the Limits of Love?
In a broad sense, to spoil, overindulge, or coddle a child means to pamper them. A spoiled child seems to receive “liberation” from their own fate, a permission slip to avoid life’s challenges. The favorite child believes the world revolves around them. They evade the necessity of cooperating with others and acknowledging that, besides rights, they also have responsibilities. Why should they? There’s always an adult nearby who is eager to relieve their child not only of any work but even the thought of it. A child whose capabilities are never taken into account and whose desires are constantly indulged is shielded from reality and the demands that arise before them. A spoiled child is limited in their fundamental needs to grow, mature, and gain freedom, making them less prepared for life.
So, make sure you’re not inadvertently leaning towards a permissive parenting style with your little one:
– Is it true that you take on your child’s responsibilities (rushing to feed them at the slightest whimper, even when they haven’t signaled for it; holding the bottle for them for all 12 months, even when they have teeth; carefully undressing them for a bath or after a walk when they can do it themselves; dutifully picking up discarded toys instead of playing together, and when someone addresses the child, you quickly intervene and respond for them)?
– Is it true that you provide your child with special “services” and treat them like a fragile crystal (rocking them to sleep for ages and carrying them in your arms when you’ve decided it’s time for bed, even when they keep calling for you with their lullabies; sleeping in the same bed from dusk till dawn because they refuse to sleep alone or wake up frequently at night, feeding them every time; hiding under a blanket and cheerfully exclaiming “peek-a-boo!” for an hour while someone else manages to sneak a spoonful of soup into their mouth; surrounding a sitting child with pillows and cushioning their every move to prevent any mishaps; believing that games and activities will harm their nervous system, so you preemptively give them magnesium and postpone all developmental exercises until they are three to five years old; considering any form of hardening to be torture for the child; your maternal speeches becoming sweeter as the child grows, yet somehow even more incomprehensible than their own babbling)?
– Is it true that you try to organize life so that your little one never has to face the trials of life (whispering in the room where the baby sleeps; only going for walks on warm, dry days—preferably in summer; wrapping the baby up snugly at home and outside—who knows better than you when they are cold or not; constantly shouting “Don’t!”, “Don’t do that!”, “Don’t touch!”, “Be careful!”, “That’s dangerous, let mommy do it”; deciding to boil water for baths, wash toys, and prevent thumb-sucking and nose-picking until they are a year old; immediately picking the baby up and holding them close when encountering strangers, reassuring them with words that you are “here,” “nearby,” “always”; if any physical discomfort occurs, you fuss over the child, lamenting and complaining about everything and everyone; trying not to irritate or upset the child—always staying in their sight, never leaving them alone for a moment, abandoning thoughts of your own rest and work for the foreseeable future, preparing only the tastiest morsels for the little one, and when you finally get a cup of coffee, you make sure to bring them something delightful at that moment so they don’t feel neglected)?
If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, it can be hard to recognize overindulgence when it comes to your own child and your way of relating to them. It’s easier to see and criticize in others. However, the responsibility for “misusing” parental feelings and expectations lies squarely with the parents. The child is usually not to blame.
The Main Motivations for Loving in Moderation
There are several reasons why a child may become spoiled. Among the most significant and obvious are:
– The general trend of having fewer children, giving birth later, and the long wait for a child due to health issues with one or both parents. This leads moms and dads to place great importance on each child;
– Children are very expensive for families: cribs and strollers, formula and diapers, clothes, toys, and later, of course, good nannies, daycare, classes, sports, tutors, private schools, and universities—it’s a complete luxury, and naturally, parents start to fuss over their child;
– The increase in average life expectancy has made childhood longer: children are considered children for a longer time, postponing demands for their independence and responsibility. This makes children helpless;
– Parents themselves enjoy pampering their little ones—it feels so heartwarming, convincing for the roles of “mom” or “dad,” and it feeds their sense of parental worth. This deprives the child of self-confidence and creates an impression of absolute parental omniscience, infallibility, and authority.
– Responding to a child’s desires without distinguishing between them (“I can’t” and “I don’t want to” are different things) and thus not allowing the child to understand the difference is, in fact, convenient and simple—it’s an easy task. However, the relief from minimal effort is often short-lived.
Parents would benefit from knowing that children, from birth (or perhaps even earlier), are incredibly resilient and quick to learn. They quickly realize that not knowing how to do anything is a great way to get others to take care of them and rush to help. It’s time to rethink your approach to parenting—time to trust your own children.
Practice and Poetry
A newborn undoubtedly needs parental care and attention. A special bond of attachment forms between them and their mom and dad. Bathed in love and parental tenderness, the child grows healthy both physically and emotionally. However, remember that this bond—known as bonding—is primarily needed so that the child knows they are loved and in a safe place.
There is never too much love and warmth, so there’s no need to “dose” out tenderness and affection. Love, like any other feeling, cannot be categorized as good or bad, useful or harmful. However, its expressions can vary and shape relationships in different ways. Loving parents can spoil a child if they don’t know the limits of their selflessness or self-sacrifice. Therefore, as you nurture your child, listen to yourself: motherhood should bring you deep satisfaction, not fear of the future, should give meaning to every moment, and inspire you for new achievements.
“Father and mother are two bright suns,” goes the saying. So it’s perfectly normal and even very good when parents love their children in their own way. A mother’s love is often merciful and forgiving, while a father’s is just and demanding. They complement each other, instilling in the child different yet equally important qualities: peace, compassion, trust, independence, responsibility, and determination. The galaxy of human relationships is filled with new bright stars.
Unconditional love for a child means recognizing their individuality, separateness, and independence of feelings. Love, backed by respect, is a hundred times stronger—it is all-powerful. Recent studies show that every infant has their own temperament; that’s why one eats calmly and falls asleep easily, while another spins like a top and sleeps like a bunny under a bush. Embrace your child naturally—after all, nature doesn’t have bad weather. A smile is a ray of sunshine, a tear is rain, a squeal is thunder and lightning. Whatever happens, keep a bright mood, patience, and be consistent!
Nurturing a child means being attuned to all the changes happening with them, allowing them to recognize their body’s capabilities and how to manage it. The younger the child, the more adept you need to be at “catching” their needs and feelings and responding appropriately. Act confidently—after all, from the very first days, you are in sync with your little one, feeling their energy and requests as your own, understanding your child without words, intuitively:
– The baby squirms, cries sharply and louder, moves their lips—this signals hunger;
– The baby suddenly bursts into tears, pulls their legs to their tummy, which feels hard—this indicates colic;
– The baby cries desperately, kicking their legs until their heels turn red, with a bloated belly—this signals gas;
– The baby is pale and breathing heavily but quietly whines, crying plaintively—this means they are sick;
– The little one whines for a long time, has trouble falling asleep, but their sleep is shallow—this warns of overtiredness;
– The baby whimpers, blinks their eyes, and shows no interest in anything—they want to sleep;
– The child cries insistently, continuously, and fusses, tensing their legs—they are bothered by wet diapers or clothing;
– The baby suddenly screams, actively moving their arms and legs, with trembling hands and chin—they are scared;
– The child endlessly fidgets, turning their head from side to side, but quiets down only when they feel you nearby and see you—they are lonely and calling for interaction.
With each passing minute, day, and month, the child learns to recognize their needs, understand their desires, and navigate adult expectations. Don’t miss the moment when your connection with the child should evolve into mutual agreements and learning (“choose which rattle you like best—this one or that one,” “which potty will you use—this one or that one,” “which hat will you wear—the blue one or the red one”). Don’t turn bonding into patronage and dependency (“here, play with this,” “hold this and drink quickly,” “you must dress warmly”). Teach and learn to distinguish your feelings from your child’s, your needs from the little one’s, and allow them to choose according to their own capabilities from an early age. Don’t turn the string for a kite into a rope—otherwise, you’ll be holding the reins for life.
Establishing reasonable limits and thresholds, and consistently reinforcing them (persistently yet kindly) helps children perceive life as organized rather than chaotic. Order—organization of feeding, walks, play, and relationships—means predictability, and children absolutely love predictability: it makes them feel safe.
An infant must be assured that their needs (food, sleep, fresh air, new experiences, communication, play) will be met. However, in parental affection, they learn to recognize what constitutes needs (tasty porridge should be eaten with a spoon, sweet carrots should be chewed) and what are merely desires (let mom bring the spoon to their mouth, I’ll only eat grated carrots).
Meeting a child’s needs and helping them with what they cannot yet do is indeed a parental duty. Indulging whims (“I can, but I don’t want to”) is spoiling: parenting without a clear goal, ideals, rules, or efforts, woven from mutual weaknesses and coercion.
Raising and nurturing a child is a great art. Spoiling them, as experts say, is more like a sport or advertising. Therefore, the fruits of these efforts are entirely different: either a strong tree or a beautiful decorative flower. Trees reach for the sky and seek the sun. Unfortunately, many potted plants need shade and never truly thrive.