GabyA couple of years ago, I read an excellent book: “The Joy of Parenting: How to Raise Without Punishment”. It was quite dense, and I didn’t get through it on my first try. But one piece of advice stuck with me for life. The advice is this: when a child is misbehaving, not listening, doing something wrong, or driving you up the wall… and you’re ready to yell or even hit them, you need to pause and ask yourself: “What do I want to teach my child in this situation?” What exactly am I trying to achieve? Do I want to humiliate my child, show them how wrong they are, and prove that I’m right? Or do I want to improve our relationship and help my child understand that their actions aren’t the best choices I’d like to see from them?
Because these two goals imply completely different approaches. In the first case, you might yell, vent your frustrations, humiliate, or even hit them—and while you might achieve your goal of instilling dislike towards you, it won’t change the situation at all. However, if we realize that we want to show and explain something to our child in this moment, rather than just lash out and vent our anger and hopelessness, our actions will be different… and the child will respond in a completely different way! This is worth remembering and trying out.
And one more thing: whenever a child is really getting on your nerves, it’s important to acknowledge that it means we haven’t been spending enough time with them… and that’s it! It’s not because they are bad or unworthy. You should always kneel down to their level, look them in the eyes, and honestly say: “I’m so tired. I’m sorry I haven’t spent much time with you lately. I love you very much.” And any situation will resolve itself.
