Harvard psychiatrists say the smartest moves are often the simplest. All it takes is one short question that can break the ice and reveal new dimensions of intimacy.
Even in the most harmonious couples, there can come a time when they hit an “emotional plateau.” We think we know everything about our partner, but needs can change because of life events, stress, or aging.
Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, has a simple formula that helps couples reach a new level of understanding. Her advice, published in Reader’s Digest, is surprisingly straightforward.
The Question That Changes Everything
Instead of guessing why there’s distance in the relationship, Dr. Nadkarni suggests simply asking: “What makes you feel most loved?”
The answer can uncover emotional needs that even long-term couples might not be aware of. It helps you understand each person’s “love language”: some may need practical support, others physical contact, and some just want to feel heard and acknowledged.
Why This Works: The Science of Attachment
Even perfectly compatible people can have different types of attachment:
- Anxious type: needs constant reassurance of feelings.
- Avoidant type: values independence and some distance.
- Secure type: communicates flexibly and directly.
“When you ask this question, you learn what helps your partner feel safe and recognized,” explains Nadkarni. She also recommends revisiting this conversation periodically, because priorities change over time — what mattered at 30 may give way to different needs at 60.
Even if you’ve been together for years, these conversations help maintain an emotional connection. Physical contact is just as important as words. Research shows that physical contact can instantly reduce stress levels and give partners a stronger sense of security.
How to Avoid Awkwardness on a Date
While Harvard looks for keys to lasting relationships, researchers at Stanford University have studied how to salvage a conversation when a couple’s views don’t align.
Instead of diving into a debate about politics or movie preferences, researchers suggest a simple prompt: “Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?”
Experiments with more than 100 students showed that simply feeling “heard” reduces negativity. Even if you never agree with the other person’s viewpoint, genuine interest in their arguments makes you seem more attractive and positive in their eyes.
This shows interest in the person rather than a desire to prove a point, which makes the conversation more enjoyable and opens the door to connection. Often, those deeper feelings people interpret as chemistry arise from these kinds of exchanges.
Tip from HouseWife: Next time, instead of countering with an argument, try saying: “I’d be interested to hear more about what attracts you to this.” That shows interest in the person rather than a desire to win an argument.
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