Psychiatrists at Harvard assert that genius is often simple. All it takes is one short question that can break the ice and reveal new dimensions of intimacy.
Even in the most harmonious couples, there can come a time when they feel an “emotional plateau.” We think we know everything about our partner, but in reality, our needs tend to evolve due to life experiences, stress, or aging.
Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, has discovered a formula that helps couples reach a new level of understanding. Her advice, published in Reader’s Digest, is surprisingly straightforward.
The Question That Changes Everything
Instead of guessing why there’s distance in the relationship, Dr. Nadkarni suggests simply asking: “What makes you feel most loved?”
According to the expert, the answer to this question can uncover emotional needs that even long-term couples might not be aware of. It helps to understand each person’s “love language”: some may need practical support, others physical contact, and some just want to feel heard and acknowledged.
Why This Works: The Science of Attachment
Even perfectly compatible people can have different types of attachment:
- Anxious type: needs constant reassurance of feelings.
- Avoidant type: values independence and some distance.
- Secure type: communicates flexibly and directly.
“When you ask this question, you learn what helps your partner feel safe and recognized,” explains Nadkarni. She also recommends revisiting this conversation periodically, as priorities change over time—what was important at 30 may give way to different needs at 60.
Even if you’ve been together for years, these conversations help maintain an emotional connection. By the way, physical contact is just as important as words. Research shows that can instantly reduce stress levels and provide partners with a sense of absolute security.
How to Avoid Awkwardness on a Date
While Harvard seeks the keys to lasting relationships, researchers at Stanford University have focused on how to salvage a conversation when a couple’s views don’t align.
Instead of diving into a debate about politics or movie preferences, scientists suggest a magic phrase: “Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?”
In experiments involving over 100 students, it was shown that simply feeling “heard” instantly reduces negativity. Even if you never agree with your opponent’s viewpoint, genuine interest in their arguments makes you appear more attractive and positive in their eyes.
This demonstrates interest in the person rather than a desire to prove your point, making the conversation enjoyable and promising. After all, it’s often from these successful dialogues that the genuine feelings many perceive as emerge, although science has its own perspective on this.
Tip from HouseWife: Next time, instead of countering with an argument, try saying: “I’d be interested to hear more about what attracts you to this.” This shows interest in the person rather than a desire to prove your point.
Photo: Unsplash
